This year’s 100 Day project is dedicated it to my Mom, Diana, with the hashtag #100daysfordiana. I'm creating a 3x4 inch mixed media card every day with the intention of adhering them all to a large 30x40 canvas when I'm done. My purpose for doing this is to process my grief over losing my mom to pancreatic cancer, 5 years ago.
From her diagnosis until she passed was 7 traumatic weeks. As a mom with 6 kids still living at home, at that time, I didn’t feel like I had time to grieve. I had been one of my mom’s caregivers and had hardly been home in weeks. My kids needed me, so grieving took a back seat. Then less than 8 months later we moved from western NY to TN leaving behind everything we had ever known, all of our friends and family, including our 4 adult children and 2 grand babies. I was devastated and literally in survival mode for at least the first 3 years.
My mom was an amazingly talented artist and potter. At her celebration of life service, my siblings and I gathered up all of the art and pottery we could find and we set it up on tables and easels to be admired by those who attended. It was like an art show. Seriously amazing! The amount of things she had made and the sheer talent of it all... I don't think we ever really appreciated that, as kids growing up, she was just our mom. She wasn't famous. Instead, she was humble. Over the years, she sold a lot of her art and also generously gave many pieces away to be auctioned off, to fund mission organizations.
For 10 years She and I owned a small craft business together, we painted on slates and sold them at local craft shows. We stopped doing that when I was pregnant with my 5th child. It had become too demanding and I was struggling to keep up. That's when she took up pottery and for the next 10 years she poured herself into that and excelled, making hundreds of gorgeous pieces to sell and give away.
About 8 months before she passed, my husband and I turned a small apartment house on our property into a mixed media art studio, where I would hold classes. My mom was hugely supportive of that and she and her friends attended several of my classes. We could literally talk about art for hours. She was my best friend and biggest cheerleader. When she passed, I could not touch a paint brush. I literally did not paint for almost a year. I think part of that was having seen all of her creations in one place (at her service), I was so overwhelmed with her talent, I thought, who am I to call myself an artist? I realized later that she would have wanted me to keep creating and it was a gift that she had given me and one we had shared a love for. To not use it, was to waste it and it felt ungrateful both to her and to God. So here I am, painting again. I will never be as talented as my mom. I know that, and I’m okay with it. Our style is completely different. I don’t paint so that I can be like her, I paint because I am like her. I find fulfillment in it. It brings me joy, just like it brought her joy and I’m told it brings others joy as well.
Since her death, whenever I’d think of my mom, I would be consumed by the details and trauma of her death. I felt like this 100 day project might help me to focus on the beautiful person she was and the 72 years she lived, instead of the 7 weeks of trauma we all experienced before she died. Having just completed the 50th day of the project, I'm officially at the halfway mark. It’s been interesting to see and experience the shift in my thinking as I’ve progressed. At first I wanted to paint things that my mom loved, things like gardening, birds, pottery, etc.
I really struggled with the timing of this project. It has basically followed the same timeline of the dates of my mom’s diagnosis, the 7 weeks that followed and her death. So many bad memories and associations with those dates. I found it hard to be positive and not ruminate on the traumatic events. Then her birthday came and went, which made me even more sad. I started trying to intentionally turn my focus not only towards things that she loved but also towards sharing memories that I had of her. Simple things like a bird or a flower that sparked a memory. As I did this, I began to genuinely celebrate not just what she liked, but who she was, and her love of nature and beauty that she has passed on to her children and grandchildren.
Day 1-35
As I continue, I can feel the trauma part of grief slowly fading with each stroke of my paint brush. In its place is a sense of wonder and gratitude. I'm so thankful for the Mom that I was blessed with. I know many who haven't had that experience and it makes me sad. I only hope and pray I am half the woman and mom she was and I hope she’s looking down from heaven pleased that someone remembers her and her love of all things beautiful. Thank you for following along and encouraging me as I’ve embarked on this journey. Grief is a journey we will all take at some point, but it’s not one that anyone wants to go on. No one gets excited to grieve, or enjoys it, but it’s an oh so necessary part of healing and moving forward. I’m interested to see what the next 50 days hold. I'm entering in with an open heart and hands ready to paint.
Day 50 of the 100 day project